It all went Gong

Why managing yourself is the hardest task

Last Monday night I performed at The Comedy Store in London, just off Leicester Square. For comedians who have performed there, rather conveniently and somewhat self-indulgently, it’s hailed as the home of comedy. Regardless of the contentiousness of that phrase, it’s a comedy club with global stature. To put it into context it’s like a footballer getting to play at the Maracana Stadium in Brazil.

I wasn’t booked to play the Comedy Store - if that call ever comes I’ll be sure to let everyone know what a big deal it is - but I turned up to take part in their famous gong show, nicknamed “King Gong”.

A gong show is where up to 25 comedians pitch up and go on stage to an audience actively encouraged to boo them. Three red cards are rotated amongst the front couple of rows in attendance and if the comedian makes a joke, a look or even a noise you don’t like then you’ve to raise that red card in the air. Three red cards and you are gonged off. If it sounds brutal it’s because it is.

I’ve done a number of gong shows; I’ve made it to the final of a few (including the Comedy Store’s King Gong when it was online via Zoom during Covid) and been unceremoniously gonged off in a few.

Most gong shows offer a minute or two minute’s grace, where you can deliver your material safe in the knowledge you at least have up to 120 seconds on stage. King Gong however offers zero sanctuary, you can get gonged off in a matter of seconds. Last Monday night there were people banished from the stage after 31 seconds, some comedians simply said “hello” before it was time to go.

So why do it? In the ultra competitive world of comedy, it offers an intoxicating promise of reward: a 5 minute weekend spot at The Comedy Store on their pro lineup, turbo-boost for progression in other comedy clubs, a shiny badge to put on your instagram profile, bragging rights and in some cases you might even get signed by an agent. I know people that have won King Gong and have reaped these very rewards…it’s a bit like gambling where you only remember the wins. Never the losses.

I had applied to do King Gong around a month ago with my spot confirmed a couple of weeks back. I wrote my last sub-stack, denigrating the conservative model of comedy clubs, on the day I was meant to do King Gong. When the organiser emailed me to see if I was still coming along I had my opportunity to say “no”. I wanted to say no. But that self-destruct button we all have hidden somewhere was desperate to be deployed. Through some misplaced sense of stoic martyrdom I thought “I’ve made a commitment to be there so I should be a man of my word”.

I went up first and lasted just over three minutes but to be honest it felt like a struggle for a lot longer. In football parlance it was like playing away from home with ten men. It was a chastening experience, with my material being mocked as I left the stage by both the MC and the gong announcer. It’s all part of the pantomime and you just have to take it. I met a few comedians that I had gigged with previously and it was nice to sit with them and I was really pleased for the winner Bert Broadbent who is genuinely hilarious and extremely likeable. Bert told me he lasted 50 seconds on his last outing at King Gong and decided to have another go and he certainly deserved his win.

Sometimes the risk isn’t worth the reward and whilst nobody else will be thinking about me or my performance a week on, I still am. The psychological effects are still hanging around the periphery and it’s a great lesson in how to manage yourself. I went from the high of performing to a full room in Glasgow the day before to the low of London on a Monday night and in hindsight I just shouldn’t have done it. I’ve already discussed in this blog how I don’t agree with the conservatively capitalist model of most comedy clubs & their cliques and yet I still followed that carrot being dangled. Like most things in life, you’re either at the crest of the wave or at the bottom so trying to manage yourself accordingly is important. I made the wrong choice last week and have paid the price so hopefully I manage to remember that for next time.

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I was in Norwich last weekend to perform my Edinburgh Fringe show “Born in a Wheelchair” at Norwich Theatre’s “Stage Two” venue. It’s a purpose built 100-seater which compliments their main venue and I was asked by a woman called Sam Bain (the head of Norwich Theatre) to take the show there after she came to see it during the Fringe. I don’t know much about Norwich apart from their football team & a deep love for fictional anti-hero and self-proclaimed “King of Anglia” Alan Partridge. If a person’s knowledge of Glasgow only extended as far as Celtic / Rangers and Rab C Nesbitt I’d roll my eyes and curse them as typically ignorant so apologies to any Norfolk readers.

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I’ve got three shows at the Glasgow Comedy Festival this year, all in the last week in March. That means I’ve been doing work-in-progress shows in order to prepare which means making up flyers on Canva and pushing them out on social media and trying to generate ticket sales to make sure I’ve got an audience to perform to. I’ve had a great time doing them and I’m genuinely appreciative of everyone who’s come along so far. Despite the fact I’ve not yet performed my Glasgow shows I’ve now had to register myself for this year’s Edinburgh Fringe which means - rather absurdly in my opinion - thinking of a title, writing copy explaining what the show is about (one version in less than 40 words and another in less than 200 words) & confirming a venue.

This August I’ll be doing the first two weeks of the Fringe, performing from the 1-14th at Botecco each night at 7pm. The show is called “Journeyman” (WIP) and is basically about all the different jobs I’ve had from tv producer, tv presenter, double glazing salesman, DJ, chamber-maid, footballer & glass-collector. A work-in-progress means I’ll figure out the jokes as I go and to be honest I think they’ll be a load of fun. Botecco is a great venue & always has the cheapest pint at the Fringe so I’m looking forward to it and hope to see you there.